Behind the Scenes

 

The year was 1977. My life was stuck. The puberty period of any person is often confused and they have no idea how to navigate their life. Even though my father was a follower of Guru Nitya Chaitanya Yati, in my young mind, youthful folly ruled rather than what my parents were diligently observing and living in Narayana Guru’s teachings. The very well disciplined life of both my mother and father inspired me to think in terms of universal friendship. But at the same time the academic life of mine was stuck. In Kerala, southern part of India, we often see mendicants traveling alone as bhikkus. The hidden agenda in my mind then was, not to study, but to go far away from home without any financial and social bindings, like these mendicants. It was an urge to become free from everything and everyone.

 

The schedule in our home was to wake up by 4:00 am and have all the family members join together for the morning prayer. After the morning prayer each of us children studied and finished our homework. By 5:30 am we had to help our mother whose health was very feeble due to cardiac issues. In the daily household chores, my main duty was to milk the cow and clean the cowshed and feed the cow. In order to cut the green grass for the cow, me and my sister Sandhya had to walk one mile every day. Even though it was difficult, I always loved the cow and calf and this made my work easy. By 7:30 am all of us bathed and got ready for our school by having breakfast which our mother prepared and kept. By this time our father who was a senator in our county left the house after his morning ablution and breakfast. By seeing father leaving the house we children got relaxed because our father was very strict. So this was the life pattern of our home.

 

In 1977, I failed in one subject for pre-university and this was the time I was thinking whether to continue my studies or leave the house. If I stayed back in my home by not studying, definitely my parents will make arrangements for my marriage. In those times young girls in India after the age of sixteen got married by the arranged marriage style, because our social set up was such. In my mind, I did not want to marry when I was sixteen. My mother was deeply saddened by seeing my mental state. She told me she can spare a little money for my Physics tuition and I should continue my studies. But I was reluctant and after father left the house I simply laid down in my bed and slept. I was mostly sleeping during the day time, feeling like a rudderless boat, except to have my lunch and dinner. This lifestyle continued for almost six months.

 

Fearing what my father might do, Amma did not let him know about my dismay and disappointment in life. But… I should say—my Mother was so wise and patient. She planned to take me to Guru Nitya in Varkala Gurukula for the annual convention. She never forced any of us children for anything. But in a gentle way she always guided us to live our life with love and discipline. After booking two train tickets to Varkala, she told me, “Jyothi, let us go to Varkala to see Guru Nitya. He will be arriving from America for the annual convention of the Gurukula. You will be getting some kind of guidance from Guru.”  That gentle, but determined step of my mother was a turning point in my life. I sprang up from my bed and embraced my mother. From then on…even while writing these lines my enthusiasm in life never, ever, turned down. The assurance in life I got from my mother helped me to live beautifully. My outlook towards life changed 360 degrees. From my cocoon state, slowly the tiny wings of freedom and happiness started to spread and grow with joy. I started preparing for our trip to Varkala. In three days’ time, my mother and I went to Varkala with her friends. The convention started on 23rd December and ended on 29th December. The seven days stay in the Gurukula with so many people sharing their wisdom, and art, made me feel as if I were an ignorant silly person.

 

Mostly elite people presenting their papers for the seminar, and Guru’s class after the fire ceremony, ignited my desire for knowledge. I was too shy to go to Guru and ask him to guide me. Three days passed by, and I was still carrying a kind of inferiority complex to express my distress to Guru. My mother, out of reverence to Guru, could not speak up about my problem. But the memorable day in my life was 28th December, 1977.

 

As usual, at 9:30 am the fire ceremony started. I was chanting Upanishads with my eyes closed along with other Gurukula members. From the stage, Guru might have noticed this or I have no idea how Guru specially asked me to join him on the stage, out of six hundred people. Before starting the Pravachan talk, Guru asked me to join him on the stage. With fear, slowly I climbed the podium and touched his feet. Then Guru held my hand and said to the audience,

 

“Jyothi chanted the Upanishad with closed eyes without any mistakes. This is because of the discipline she got from her parents who observe Gurukula life in their home. The whole family leads a Gurukula way of life which Nataraja Guru appreciated in 1969 and blessed the family by saying, ‘K V Anandan’s family life is a model for the One-World-Gurukula. Every morning and evening the family gathers together to chant Narayana Guru’s universal prayer and Upanishads. After prayer, they share with each other the joy, achievements, pain and problems. If Anandan’s family can live like Gurukula disciplined life, then any family can live this way and the whole world becomes a Gurukula.’” After quoting these words from Nataraja Guru, expressing Guru’s appreciation for my mother's and father’s commitment to life in Guruhood, Guru Nitya closely held me and said, “Jyothi is my 1978’s disciple.” In that moment Guru was giving an unannounced convocation or initiation of the Guru for me. I was too naive and ignorant to understand the meaning of “disciple.” I knew Guru Nitya had said something great, and from the stage I could see my Mother’s tears of joy which she wished for and brought me all the way from Thalassery for this great achievement of guidance from Guru to bring me out from the lethargic state.

 

After the morning session, all the Gurukula friends and family came to me and asked, “Jyothi, did you write or ask Guru to give you this discipleship?!” I replied, “No!” To a close friend of the Gurukula I asked, “What is the meaning of disciple?” He laughed and jokingly told me, “You fool! Don’t you know the meaning of ‘disciple’? For seven years I have been serving Guru thinking, one day he will give me this honor of discipleship.” Imagine, my friends, my ignorance about the greatest honor as a “disciple” which Guru showered upon me as a blessing. Even in this moment, at the age of 68, while I am scribbling these lines, I should admit the fact that I did not realize the true meaning of “disciple.” The fullest meaning of “disciple” according to the Indian view, I am still trying to achieve.

 

I came back from Varkala Gurukula with a new perspective and meaning in life. Then on, I often wrote letters to Guru. For one summer vacation our Father took me and my sister, Baby to Guru at the Ooty Gurukula. The moment I stepped in to the serene atmosphere of the Gurukula, some alchemy of change happened in my soul, to know more about life and this world. It was the most beautiful one week stay with Guru as I helped him to write articles, letters, and kept the Gurukula premises clean. After that week, I had to come back to write my exam. The night before leaving, Guru said to me, “Jyothi, you are studying Mathematics for your Graduation. Do you know where the Sun rises and Sun sets?. And do you know if you get in to a bus from your place towards Ooty, how to calculate the money?” In my mind I was thinking what a silly question?! Guru is belittling me about my knowledge. Anyway I answered him back, “Yes, Of course I know.”

 

 Then Guru prominently told me, “Then why should you go back to University to study Math?”

 

I replied, “I shall take Psychology for my Masters.”

 

Guru jovially replied back, “The studies about psychology which you get from the university won’t give you a full understanding of human nature. Rather, by staying here with me, you can practically learn about each character and the behavioral pattern of each and every one who comes here from different backgrounds.” Then he added, “I took good care of my Guru—Nataraja Guru. I have no one to take care of me while I am struggling with my cardiac issues.”

 

A Guru, a free being who always trusts in the benevolence of the universe, whatever challenges life brings, with an ease of mind, they live their life. Why is Guru talking like this?! Due to his high blood pressure and swelling in both legs, he might have some feeling of insecurity. At this time, I took a strong decision in my life, that after my exam, I would come back and take care of Guru. More than a certificate and scholarship on a white paper which I would get after the completion of my academic studies from the university, let me get the reward of discipleship by dedicating my life to live with Guru by helping to write books and to manage the Gurukula. With a heavy heart I came back home and told my parents after my exam that I was going back to Guru to serve him. Because of my parents devotion to Guru as I mentioned earlier, they readily agreed. But they made one condition.

 

“Jyothi, this is your own decision. Never fight with Guru for any reason. If you do, don’t think that you have a home here, to come back. Never question Guru. If he asks you to jump in to the well, just jump and from there, ask him, ‘Why did you ask me to jump in to the well?’ You are grown enough to walk bravely in your life. For your desire to live with Guru and serve him, we give you our full support. But when Guru is going abroad to teach, do not stay there even for one day. Your life is to take care of Guru, not to take care of the institution.” I always observed this pledge. After Guru’s samadhi as per my parents instructions I am now living in my home as if I lived with Guru in Ooty. These are the disciplines of a true “disciple” which I understood.

 

After my exam, my Mother and Father brought me back to Guru in Fernhill. Guru greeted us and I told him that I wanted to stay with him and study under him. By hearing this, with a question in his eyes he looked at my parents and asked, “Is it true?” My parents touched his feet and said, “Yes Guru, this is her wish. If you allow her to stay with you and serve you our life will be blessed.” Then Guru put both of his hands on my head and told my parents, “From now onwards Jyothi will be living with me forever as a flea in my jacket. Wherever I go, she will be following me.”

 

Yes, this was the greatest award of my life which Guru generously granted to me. I am fortunate and content that I could live with Guru as a flea in his jacket until his samadhi.

 

AUM